Tuesday, December 18, 2012

"You are not alone..."


(Brian's Memorial Garden, July 2011. Garden upgraded by his friends and colleagues.)

The elementary school shootings in Newtown brought it home to all of us.

Life is a journey with many shadowy curves. Not one of us can predict how it will go, which curve will be too sharp to navigate, which event will be too heavy to bear, where we will crash and burn, where we will tower with understanding and compassion.

This kind of tragedy is unbearable and unthinkable.

Yet, what happens after a tragedy can help you navigate the road to your destination; or, it can leave you shattered. When you have suffered so, the mind wants to process, cancel it, remove it, obliterate all signs. The mind and the will want what they can't have: cancel the event.

Accepting the event, absorbing its impact, means unbearable pain.

A circle of love and compassion needs to stay for as long as needed. Days, weeks, months, years. The victims need to know that they are not alone; that what they feel is real and needs to be uttered. Crying and talking, crying and talking will occur for days and weeks and months. Years later, a similar event experienced in a movie, a song, will bring back all the same feelings.

When I lost my son last year, it was this circle of friends, who called, visited, prepared the house, arranged things, build a memorial garden in my son's name, build a memory walk with loving messages, all these actions helped us feel not alone in our grief.

To the children of Newtown, to the families who are suffering a loss, know that you are not alone; that your grief is felt in our hearts; that the whole nation is in pain. May you find a candle of comfort in this knowledge.






17 comments:

  1. Last night I had a conversation about the way we process grief and I myself struggle with the drive to cancel the event, to put it away. And yet it is the talking and crying and remembering and rehearsing that makes anything somehow be bearable that shouldn't be borne. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Rosaria. Grief is the elephant in the room that Americans have such difficulty acknowledging. We pretend we are strong when we are weak and as if we don't need one another nearly as much as we actually do! Admitting it soothes the hearts of us all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have a friend who lost her husband a couple of weeks ago. I called to see if she'd like to meet for coffee. She said she's busy this week but will look forward to it after we get back from Arizona in March.

    I used to think people wouldn't want to see friends when they were grieving. I think otherwise now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. it is so easy to see everyone grieving right now...all it takes is reading a few blogs, have a conversation int eh break room...everyone is in shock and struggling a bit...and we all process it different....earlier this year when i lost 3 students over a 5 day period we spent weeks processing that grief...and the frustrations as well with how some are grieving...i have def shed my share of tears this month....coming together is how we get through it...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks so much for your insights, Rosaria. I know they're shaped not only by your wisdom but also by your pain in losing your wonderful son so tragically. Sharing your experiences is so generous and may help many of those in grief feel not quite so terribly alone.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rosaria, you write such beautiful and touching posts that make me feel great love for you. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. There is so much wisdom and truth in this post, Rosaria. The journey through grief varies for each individual, but it can;'t be bypassed altogether and for some it can take a very long time. An event such as this touches us all at the level of our own past and present grief and we to have to journey through it in our own way.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Profound and so deeply moving ...

    ReplyDelete
  8. The elementary school shootings in Newtown is a tragedy. We share your grief.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  10. we are all one people)))) we need to know this on this side of such a tragedy but we need to know it on the other side of tragedy, as well. perhaps we could avert tragedy if we truly lived like this))) oh, how we need such change, fundamental change, not just a law or two, not just an amendment. we need to change ourselves, all of us, from the floor of our being on upward and in doing so change our society. (is this possible?)

    xo
    erin

    ReplyDelete
  11. It is a beautiful truth that supportive love helps us get through misery. Thank you for writing this. We are all connected, and as Erin says, if we were to acknowledge it more fundamentally, might losses and horrors like this be averted? We can't know, I guess. I do think that the most important change that needs to happen is the change in my own head. This will spread, I hope, as we act in love.

    ReplyDelete
  12. One hopes (but feels so helpless and even intrusive) to somehow soothe the suffering of the ones who have to endure the unbearable pain of unimaginable loss just a tiny bit by being there, holding, listening, crying and grieving with them. I am grateful to hear that family and friends really are able to bring some comfort, relief and support.

    You are always expressing yourself so beautifully and deeply, Rosaria.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a beautiful message. Rosaria, I was struck by what you had to say about the mind wanting to obliterate these tragedies that happen. When I first heard about the shootings in Connecticut, I refused to allow my mind to connect to it. I just could not go there for so many reasons. I kept busy. I did not listen to or watch the news. I hoped to just have the event pass on without my acknowledgement. In the back of my mind, I knew it best to stop the denial and process the grief. I'm not sure I fully have done so even today.

    What you said is so true. Every word of it is true. Crying, talking, building a garden with friends, explaining, relating the event to others is all part of the process that leads to healing. None of this is done in solitude. Grief needs to be shared. Thankfully, we are not alone. We stand in solidarity with all those who cry out in grief over a lost child.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for this Rosaria. As you suggested on Facebook, I wrote a letter to Sandy Hook Elementary School & shared the address in my blog. Offering a shoulder to lean on and a hand to squeeze is the only helpful thing I can think of right now. That, and pushing for gun control.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Such unthinkable loss is felt by so many but only truly understood by those who have been through it. I can't imagine this depth of pain. In vulnerable times like these, we can only hope that we are there for those in need. Big hugs to you, dear lady.

    ReplyDelete