Friday, August 19, 2011

A need that doesn't go away.

(This is not easy to write; nor, will it be easy to read.)

I'm in a cage.A lonely one. Sad, teary-eyed.  Nothing out there calls me out. I'm trapped, licking a wound that won't heal, can't heal.
I should be doing so many other things.
But I sleep and dream a lot. Dreaming and dreaming and dreaming for hours and hours.

I cry quiet tears without  immediate stimuli. Everything and everything speaks of Brian's presence. His phone has been on for a month, and he appears to be on chat on Facebook. His friends and fiance are posting his pictures, are talking about him. I feel happy and proud of the love around his name.

I'm frozen. I can't write thank you notes. I can't call anyone.

When I see anyone, I break down in tears.
I have a need to cry.
I have a need to shout.
And a need to ask Divine Justice to set this right!
A mother does not bury her son, I want to shout out. This is wrong! Wrong.
Fix It, God. Fix it.


  1. Oh, hugs to you. It is so true, A mother does not bury her is so unjust. I wish I had some comforting words for you, but I really can't presume to fully understand the pain you are in. I hope it eases a bit, soon.

  2. There are no words... My heart goes out to you. You are right...parents are not supposed to bury children.

  3. We are here for you, always.

  4. shout. cry. do everything wrong. you're doing this just right. and even this should make you angry and i'm sorry.

    then i'll hold you, rosaria, and we'll wait.

    so much love.

  5. Rosaria, there is no right or wrong right now for how you are feeling. Sometimes we simply need to be and let go and know it is okay.

    No one expects anything. You are right. It was wrong! And yes, it is so very sad.

  6. I watched my parents go through this
    it is awful
    awful awful
    yes feel it all so it can go eventually to a quiet place

    I am hear to listen

  7. We each walk through this valley of shadows in our own way. There is no right or wrong way, just your way. Alone. But with others who love you, reach out to you, witness your pain, have walked it before you, and who trust you will find your way too. Blessings and grace are yours.

  8. Rosaria,am sad to read the posts about the loss of dear Brian. Be comforted that we hear your cry.

  9. Cry. Shout. Rage. Rant. We hear you. We are here for you. ((hugs))

  10. just let it out Rosaria. Let the sadness and misery out. shake your fist and shout. and sleep and dream. life is waiting for you.

  11. Oh, oh Rosaria, it is you who ds referred to in her post about chmabers of the heart. I don't know you well, but would wrap my arms around you if I could. I can't help you through your terrible grief and can only say how very, very sorry I am.
    I would not want to let go if it had been my son, but I fear that seeing your Brian's virtual presence plays awful tricks on the psyche.
    Say, shout, cry whatever you need to. There are many who hear you.

  12. kiss a flower...