Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Siblings.


I grew up the only girl in the family, in the middle, in the same position as my daughter Pia, above with her little brother Brian. Eight years between my eldest brother and me, and twelve between my youngest and me.  Naturally, I looked up to my eldest brother Toni'.

Though he left us to search his fortune at the young age of sixteen, he returned often, at holidays, during the coldest months of the year when work was scarce, and during summer vacations when everything in the city shut down. I looked forward to each return, always rewarded with small gifts and regaled with stories of the world beyond my reach. He and I never had an argument, never spoke an ugly word toward the other.

With my youngest brother, Luigi, I assumed the role of an extra Mom. as my mother fell ill right after he was born, and I was yanked out of school to help around the house. I remember resenting him for making mom ill; but, I also resented him for taking my place as the baby of the house.  I knew resentment and jealousy were sins, and having such feelings would send me surely to hell, so I worked really hard to compensate, made him my responsibility all the time, spoiled him whenever I could.  Even after I left home and moved to America, I made sure to send him gifts and remembrances, constantly reassuring him that there were strong ties between us.

Decades later, I still feel ashamed of my pre-adolescent selfishness, but I'm happy that he grew up to be a very happy man, full of joy, the same zest for life that my father had. Luigi looks exactly as my father did, the same green eyes, the same reddish hair, the same friendly ways around everyone.

When my two brothers (who still live in Italy) received news of the death of my son, (it took me months to put a note in the mail to each of them) each did what each had done throughout their lives.  My eldest brother wrote me a very long letter, scholarly and humanistic,  pragmatic and fatalistic. He reminded me of what a strong woman I have been all my life.

Luigi, instead, called, and his first words were, "You are not alone!", the most serious words I ever heard from him. He reminded me that I still have family; that family is there whether you see them or not; that family will last beyond words; beyond deeds; beyond today.

You carry them all in your heart for eternity.

My two brothers: always a presence in my life. Even though we don't see, nor write to each other often, our ties are as strong as they were when we all gathered at the family table. When one needs the other, we know just what it is we must do.

24 comments:

  1. Wonderful story. Thanks for sharing...it really brightened up my morning

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    1. Janet, thanks for coming here, for continuing to be a presence in my life. This means a lot to me and Ken. Love you much. R.

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  2. This was heart wrenching, I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that, but it warms my spirit to know that you had family to help you through tough times. I'm glad you can take time to appreciate them.

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    1. Sub-Radar-Mike, we lost a son last July, a young man who will be missed so, and each time I write, no matter the topic, this loss is foremost on my mind. Thanks for the visit.

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  3. A loving family does more for our lives than any other thing. Your brothers sound wonderful. I hope you can get to be with them again soon.

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    1. I wish!!! Our plan is to take a trip to Italy when our grand-daughter graduates from high school, in a couple of years.

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  4. As the youngest of 7 children, I know what you are saying about the importance of family support. I'm glad your brothers were there for you when you needed them. I am very fortunate that my 5 remaining siblings (I lost a sister to cancer 15 years ago) are all within an hour's drive.

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    1. You are a lucky girl, Eva. I wonder how my life would be if my family had followed me to America.

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  5. This brought tears to my eyes. Family is so complex, yet family is so important. I'm thankful your brothers were there for you, each in his own way. Mostly, I am thankful for the youngest brother ability to call you and to say just the right thing.

    The photo of your son and daughter is a treasure. I love their outstretched arms.

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    1. Thanks, Sally. Pia and Brian got along swimmingly. A week before his death, the two of them and their loved ones got together and this is one of those moments.

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  6. Family is a complex dynamic! My father used to comment that you could choose your friends, but you were handed your family. Yet, as I "mature" I find that when times are "elemental"...those basic, unadorned events in life...like a death...it is those primary ties that I turn to and that sustain me. In the end I am left with and hanging on to family. Very nice post, Rosaria. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Patricia,I love this new picture of you! I bet you're still sorting things and handling lots of details, negotiating all manners of dispersal. I can't think of a more difficult task. Brian owned very little, and still, things can be messy.
      Thanks for stopping by.

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  7. What a treasure each brother gave you. Thank you for this tale of ongoing family connection and care. I'm glad for you that you had this love to sustain you.

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    1. Sometimes these ties are all we have to keep us going.

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  8. A very touching story. Your story makes me realize how I should feel towards my brother and sister even when we don't see eye to eye on some things.

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    1. We learn how to get along in the world through our siblings. Without them, the world is a dark place.

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  9. Good lord, I don't know how you went through it. I am so sorry. No one really knows how to be with another person at such a time. Bless Luigi for the call, for the "I'm here." That's the most important thing to do.

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    1. Each and every word people spoke or wrote to me was most appreciated, salve to my wounds.

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  10. A phone call...how wonderful...to just hear his voice...
    must have been a comfort....
    Go to Italy

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  11. I was very moved by this, Rosaria, as much by your open-hearted honesty about the child Rosaria's feelings as about the reactions of your brothers. There is always tenderness in the way you write about your family.

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  12. i love this, rosaria, and know it, too. the way our families are structured these days it seems to have changed but i wonder if it really has. when we are truly needed we rise, don't we? it seems so. this love and our history never truly fade.

    xo
    erin

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    1. I just returned from a wedding in California, a cousin. There I met more cousins I had not seen in years. We are taken back to our most fundamental self when we meet a member of the family!

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